I was contacted by a lady going through abuse and as I read her words my heart went out to her immediately. She took me back many years to things that happened in my own life. Her words were my own at one time. I want so much to point out again and again to all women who are abused to please contact a support group or a battered women's shelter. If that fails and you can not find one call a minister or a priest and ask for their help.

Another reason I am writing today is because earlier this week my eldest daughter and I met for lunch and while we were sitting in the restaurant our conversation turned to the past. For whatever reason (maybe because God felt I was ready or she was ready) things began to pour from us both and we talked about the abusive years of our past life. Not just my abuse but hers.

The conversation began because I had had a flashback over the weekend of something that had happened that I did not remember until that very moment.
Although she did not receive abuse from me she did receive it in another form from one of my ex husbands. She told me things I did not know or maybe knew and locked away for whatever reason we abused women hide in our closets. My daughter says it is called a form of blackout. But by hiding in our closets to protect ourselves we leave our children in the open for a different kind of abuse. Our closet hiding therefore makes us accessories to the abuse our children suffer from the hands of others.

Anyway, I told her of the flashback and she listened intently and then filled in the spaces for me. My heart broke as I listened to her tell me things that had happened to her while I was at work. When I asked her why she did not tell me at the time she gave the most honest answer she had: "you were always working and I did not want to cause you more pain then you were already going through". That is the selflessness of a child-is it not? Only a child at the time but she protected me while she tried to keep herself and her little sister from harm at the hands of an alcoholic stepfather.

Although she had not been physically raped she had been mentally and emotionally raped and I as her mother am an accessory to that whether I like it or not. The law says so and so does my heart. I will never as long as I live be able to forgive myself for closet hiding instead of finding the strength inside of me to leave an abusive situation.

Because of my lack of courage my children suffered. My precious daughters that God gave me to protect. I failed in many ways. No I was not an alcoholic nor did I get involved with drugs but I did stay in abusive relationships which may have hurt my children more emotionally then can be totally repaired. Even at 25 and 28 I can see the damage in many ways that my foolish cowardice and lack of self respect and low self esteem has  caused my children. As I was being abused I was not seeing the emotional abuse my children were suffering. I hid in my little closet and figured I could hide everything from the world. I was wrong!!

I will not go into the abuse my children suffered emotionally as it is up to them to tell not to me. Their personal life is something I can and do protect from others unless I have their permission to share things.My daughters and I have spent many years trying to rebuild a bond between us. A bond that was lost through abuse from others and lack of control from myself. I am to blame as well for their emotional and mental feelings because I did not leave when I should have nor did I try hard enough to get help for myself--until it was to late to protect their emotional stability.

Thank God for the fact that both my daughters are intelligent and industrious human beings and both are very successful in life. The strength within them has helped them in life. Also the undying love and constancy of their biological father and stepmother. My love for my daughters knows no bounds and I know they love me. Maybe someday we will have the past worked out between us and be able to let go of some things. My conversation with my daughter over lunch helped bring some closure to some things but there is still much more to deal with together before we are entirely finished. Now that I am able to start remembering more that I have blocked out for years it is helping me to heal within and hopefully it will help my daughters to know I finally have accepted my part of the blame for not being the person I should have been to protect them from emotional hurt via abusive situations. 

I realize now that I was not the only one abused by my ex husbands. They too were abused emotionally and mentally by my lack of strength and self esteem. That made me an accessory to abuse. 

Do not let this happen to you.
Do not let your children become products of abuse--leave the first chance you get. Show them strength of protection.