It has been a long time since I sent you part of my story.  I have had months to think about telling the rest and it has been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.

Well here goes: To everyone that reads this please listen with an opened heart and if anyone wants to e-mail and ask me any questions I will gladly answer. My e-mail is woods@se-tel.com 

To those who have read what I sent to Patsy the first time please listen to this before it happens to you. I had two children from my first marriage. My daughter is 33 and my son is 30.  I protected them through all the years of abuse because I didn't want them to know what their father did to me, I thought I was really doing what was right.  Today I still don't know.  

Tonight this is just the story about my daughter.  I love my daughter with my whole heart and soul and would gladly lay down my life for her. She is a beautiful woman and has two daughters. My daughter has not spoken to me in 10 years nor will she allow her two daughters to have anything to do with me. This is the daughter I thought I was protecting all those years. I know that everyone that reads this is going to say that there are two sides to every story, and there is, tonight I am telling you my story as honestly as I can possibly tell it.  

My children didn't have a close relationship with their father, but when he died he became the perfect parent and I was the bad parent. My daughter had married against our wishes, but I had accepted that and knew that life had to go on, I don't think her father ever accepted it.  Most men think that their daughters are perfect and can do no wrong, and when it happens so many fathers cannot accept it. For a few years after her father's death, she still would visit, but it was never the same. In 1989 several things happened at once in my life, and I had a disagreement with her husband, I admit that, but I will not say I was wrong because I have prayed and searched my heart over and over and if I had to go back to that day I would say the same thing now that I said then.  I know this is sounding like I am rambling but it is the first time I have ever tried to sit and put this in words. I am going to skip over a lot of areas here, not to make anyone believe me, but it is too long to write. I tried for several years (after 1989) to talk to my daughter. I begged to see my granddaughters. I was not allowed to buy Christmas gifts nor birthday gifts. I missed all of their "FIRSTS" school, parties etc. 

Today I hurt, my heart aches, I have lost so much, but what hurts more than what I could ever hurt is knowing how much my granddaughters have missed, things we could have done together, and someday they could have passed those things on to their children. Today my daughter says she has NO MOTHER. She has called me terrible names in front of people, people that I know have come and told me the truth. But tonight as I sit here and try to write and am crying so hard I can hardly see, SHE IS MY DAUGHTER AND I LOVE HER, . So please to any woman that may read this and has children, please I beg of you don't think you are protecting them by not telling them (when they are old enough to understand) what is happening and why you MUST get out. I have two granddaughters that will never know what it is to spend the week-end with their grandmother, go shopping with her and do all the things I had wanted and planned to do with my granddaughters. 

Most of all I can see that staying in a marriage that was so abusive and letting everyone believe all was fine, I lost a daughter. I know so many of you will say she will change someday , so many of my friends say that, but I am her Mother and in my heart I know she will never change. Can anyone that may read this begin to understand how it feels to know that the child you carried for nine months, gave birth to, and devoted your life to actually HATES you?? No PLEASE believe me, this is not just an idea in my mind, it is a fact and I cannot do anything about it. 

Abuse leaves scars that are unending scars that future generations (such as my granddaughters) must endure. Abuse does leave pain and scars that never go away, Does the hurt ever stop?? No, not really, you just go so far then as I did finally in 1995, you let God have it. I can remember so clearly the November day in 1995 I was going to another state on business (several hours drive) and it dawned on me that I was no longer able to handle the situation with my daughter, I stopped beside the road and looked at the mountains for a long time. Finally I said "OK God You gave her to me and she was and still is a blessing, I give all of this to you now because I don't have the answers." 

I am not saying I don't still hurt I do, I am saying that I know staying in the marriage was wrong and I pay for it everyday, but today I do have a peace in my life, knowing that even though here on earth my daughter may hate me, someday God will let her know just how much I love her and that is all I can ask for.

Marcie