I let myself think about some things in my present life and in my past. 

Usually I do not do the "past" thing because I know one cannot change what has already happened in their lives. Usually I am an optimist and a realist and I can "get it together" when I am a bit down and shrug off what is bothering me. Usually I look ahead of me and not behind me. Usually I work with today so tomorrow is better. 

Recently however I have been taking a good long look at my relationships with others. 

The most important of my relationships are my children and grandchildren. Both my daughters have grown into beautiful, intelligent young women with a lot of savvy and a lot of class. Both are well educated. I am so proud of both of them. 

My eldest daughter (who is 31) and I had some issues for many years but over the last 5 years or so we have resolved most of them and worked on the ones we could not resolve immediately. We have learned how to be friends and to like one another for who we are and what we are and not for what we think each other should be. Loving each other is wonderful but liking each other is even more important. 

My oldest daughter is very much like me in many ways and she and I can talk for hours upon hours and that has made it easier for us to work through a lot of things. 

Plus being a single mother of two now, she sees things in a bit of a different light then she did before she had children. It is easy to be honest and open with her about the past and about what I feel inside my heart. 

My eldest daughter and I can set aside the past and have fun and share laughter together and Mother/Daughter days where we giggle over lunch and go shopping. She phones me up and reads me poetry and calls me on the phone so I can hear a new song she is playing. She sends me her poetry that she writes or shares her homework with me now that she has returned to university to earn a degree. We spend hours on the phone talking about my grandchildren or the men in our lives or just about nothing at all. Sometimes we get laughing so hard over something no one else would laugh at and we end up in hysterical laughter that makes everyone else in our houses look at us like we need a paddy wagon to come take us away. 

She calls me just to tell me she loves me and it makes my heart smile because I know that finally she and I are on our way to placing the past years behind us and working on what is the rest of our lives together. I am not saying that everything is always perfect between us but I am saying that we are definitely working on enjoying each other for who we are today and letting go of what we think each other should of been yesterday. 

My youngest daughter (who is 29) and I still have so much to resolve and work on and I am so very willing but she has a very hard time talking about things that are in her heart so it is a tough haul. She is more like her biological Father that way and has a hard time saying what is inside of her. 

Her entire life she has had a way of making me wonder when the day would come when I would be "good enough" or when "I would get it right". She has always had a way of making me feel "inadequate". A way of making me feel she is talking down to me in a lot of cases. A way of making me feel that I just did not do it right or that I did not give enough of myself. I do not doubt that she loves me for a minute but I wish she could learn to "like" me as the person I am. 

I was not always the perfect Mother, but I did what I knew how to do to the best of my ability. I worked a lot so my kids could have what they needed such as clothes and food and a roof over their head. I kept a very clean home and I tried never to miss a school concert or a parent teacher meeting no matter how tired I was or how much I had to do. 

I made some bad choices in relationships that my children did not approve of, but I definitely learned from those choices. I made mistakes and was not a "Leave It To Beaver" type of Mother and I know that. I worked too much and at times I had two and three jobs at a time and I did not get to spend enough of the hands on time with my children that I should have. 

However, I love my daughters with every breath I take and every beat of my heart. I would give my life for either of them. There is not a part of my body I would not give up if one of them needed it to live. 

I am basically content with my own personal life. I am happy with being in touch with my spirituality. I am happy taking care of my little family under my roof. I am so thankful for all the blessings I have in my life. 

I like myself these days and when I look in the mirror I see a person who is
compassionate and caring. I see a person who is loyal and loving. I see a person that has reached 50 years of age despite what life threw in my path along the way. I see a survivor. I see a person who does not judge others for who they are or what they are. I see someone looking back at me who accepts others regardless of their race, colour or creed or religious beliefs. I do not judge anyone on their past because what counts is what they have become today and how they treat me personally. 

Do I like the person looking back at me from the mirror?  Yes I like me. 
I guess my only question to myself is "Am I finally getting it right"
 

Until next time... 
hugs,
Misker