It is a very reflective and prayer filled time for me. The thoughts are running in circles through my mind. I wish I could find the words to put on paper what I am feeling inside. Somehow they won't come.

I am feeling things deep inside that I have not felt for years and feelings that I thought were gone for me forever. Things like melancholy, wistfulness and longing but not knowing for what exactly.

Although I have had a few relationships in my life, I have also had a few failures in my life. Somehow I feel deep inside that I have been on my own since birth. Even with someone I was somehow alone.

I have a hard time remembering a time when I did not feel a little lost in life. I also have a hard time remembering anyone in my life that has not let me down somehow...including myself.

It is not that I think anyone owes me anything and it is not that I think I am anything special. It is just that I have found it hard in life to find anyone who is totally loyal and totally honest with me.

You would think, after all these years I would have learned nothing lasts forever. However I still continue to be a fool at times and hope for more when there is no more. I continue to plug away and try everything I can before giving up on things.

I think I started my teens with the fairy tale belief that I would meet my prince and be happy ever after. Now we all know that is pure fiction for sure.  I dreamed I would own my own home and that I would have wonderful kids and a good life with my partner that would take me to my old age. Then I would retire and be an old man's darling throughout my golden years and be loved and pampered. 

I dreamt that I would have someone to hold me close at night and whisper words of love and someone to tell me that I was still young and beautiful even though I would know it was sweet lies of the heart.

I dreamt that I would have grandkids who adored me and listened to my words of infinite wisdom. I dreamt that I would have the one true love of my life protect me and want me forever no matter how old and decrepit I would become.

Well the part about having wonderful kids came true. Also the dream of the beautiful grandchildren also came true. They do listen to my words of wisdom but I am not sure if they take them to heart or not. The rest I am afraid to admit was just a foolish dream. 

Here I am at 50, which is still young by today's standards. I spend my time taking care of others and I sleep with my poodle. My choice granted, but still...it is a choice made because I have never met anyone who really helped to make my dreams come totally true. 

But then do anyone's dreams really come true in actuality? Does anyone ever find total happiness that lasts a lifetime with another person? Or are we born just thinking these sort of things come true, from watching old movies where everyone always stayed together and had a happy little "Walton's" style life when instead it seems real life is full of turbulence like in "Gone With The Wind"?

I don't know …… but those are the thoughts I am pondering this week ….

Until next time ..
Hugs,
Misker