I had a hard time getting to sleep the last few nights. My mind is going 90 miles and hour in a 10 mile zone lately. So much has happened in my life the last few months that sometimes I actually wonder how I got through everything without breaking down myself.

I find myself going over things in my mind and wondering if there was something I should have or could have done to take things on a different path for everyone concerned in each situation. 

I know that there isn't because each person is responsible for their own actions in things. I also know that I am not to blame for what others do or have done. Still I guess I just wish I could walk backwards in time and make people see how they hurt others by their actions when they do not think before they act.

The one thing I hate more than anything in life is hurting other people. Yet I have found over the last few months in particular that not everyone thinks that way and not everyone pays attention to who else they are hurting by their actions and reactions to things. People do not realize the chain reaction of things that happen in life. If they did maybe they would take the time to rethink things before they do them.

I find that since I have gotten more in touch with the spiritual side of me over the last few years that I think things through more and that I tend to pay closer attention to what I do in life and how what I do could effect others. I am so glad that I have learned to do that. 

I do not know if it has something to do with the fact that I will be 50 this month but I do know that I am reflecting a lot on my life and where I have been and where I am now. I have really begun to value the simplest things that life has to offer more than I ever have. I have always been very easy to please and it has never taken a lot to make me happy but I am finding it takes even less now. It is almost like less is more these days.

I find I am thanking my Creator for the smallest of pleasures. Things like being able to see the sunshine or the flowers or the birds flitting around. Things like being able to hear the rain on the roof or being able to watch the lightening in the sky as it flashes against the darkness during a storm. Things like being able to hear the laughter of children outside playing.

Somehow the importance of being able to listen to my grandchild telling me about her day or listening to the voice of my dearest friends as they chat away have grown in importance to me. I realize how these things seemed just everyday to me before but now over the last few years they have gained such a level of importance in my heart. 

Maybe because I had a couple close calls with death myself over the years I have come to realize that the simple pleasures in life of hearing and sight are in actuality miracles in themselves. Being able to smell the air after a rain or touch the soft silky fur of one of my pets is so special. Things that most of us take for granted have risen in value to me because I realize how lucky I am to have these abilities.

Is it because I am now 50 that I have come to realize the important things in life or is it just because being in touch with my spirituality has put me more in touch with reality? I am not sure – but what I am sure of is that life is too short not to pay attention to the important things in life.

As you can tell I am really evaluating my life and am really searching my thoughts. I guess everyone goes through this at some time in their life and my time is obviously now.

So much has been going on that I feel that now is the perfect time to take the time to go over everything and put it into perspective before I lose sight of what is important to me and what things I can maybe change and make better.

Sometimes I get the feeling that some people seem to think I am a miracle worker and all I have to do is blink and things happen or change. Since that is not the case I find myself loaded down at times with so many demands from others. All I can do is my best and that is what I am trying to do each day.

There have been times when I just felt like packing everyone here up and moving to the mountains away from the entire world. However that is not the answer and because we are all actually quite happy here in this house and in this area of the country, I have instead chosen to just deal with the things I can and let others deal with their own problems the best way they can. 

I am tired of being there for everyone all the time and it is time for me to start being here for me and for the folks under this roof first and foremost. This household has to come first and that is the way it is going to be from here on in. I am just not able to find the answers for everyone else's problems anymore. They get themselves into things and they are going to have to get themselves out of things on their own for the most part. I no longer can let myself get upset or  worried about everyone. If people took the time to think before acting then there would be less problems in their lives for sure.

I am tired of feeling bad because I cannot help someone and I am tired of losing sleep because others are screwing up their lives by stupidity and lack of thought. I am tired of others' lack of respect and caring that result in trying to make me feel bad for them. It is time for others to start taking responsibility for their own actions because I cannot save the world. Maybe that is a lesson I have had to learn as well.

I have spent most of my life being there for others and yet many, many times I have felt no one is really there for me. I have picked up the pieces for a lot of people and yet many times have been left to pick up the pieces for myself. Many times I feel that as long as I am available to fix things for others that is great, but when I need the same back it is unavailable because people are too busy or too this or too that and it seems that to take a few minutes for me is an intrusion in their lives. 

I guess maybe I am finally just actually seeing the whole picture in life sometimes. Basically I guess what I am feeling is kind of let down by most of the people I love the most. Let down by a lot of the people that I have always been there for. Let down by myself mainly because I allow others to let me down when I do need them most. I have learned that the only person you can truly count on is yourself and then sometimes you let yourself down as well. 

Maybe I am getting a bit cynical? I don't know for sure but it's possible I guess. Although that is not my intention, it could be happening to a degree. 

All I want is peace and quiet and a level road to walk in life. I want the rest of my life to be worth something to myself and to those around me whom I love. To attain that I must stay focused and face reality head on and deal with things immediately when they happen to the best of my ability. 

I have to realize that I am not to blame if someone else has a bad day and I am not to blame if someone is not happy with something. I am not to blame for the mistakes of others or for the pickle they get themselves in.

I am only to blame if I am not happy with myself and how I am living and handling things in my life. I am to blame only for the things I do or do not do in life. 

I hope if I live another 50 years I get it right …

Until next time
Hugs Misker