I got a note from a really close friend this morning and she asked me something that set my mind abuzz. 

My friend asked me why our "Creator" lets tragedies happen. Especially at holiday time. She mentioned that it seems that near the holidays tragedy seems to run rampant and you know sometimes I understand how she feels. Tragedy is everywhere -- every day of our lives -- but we do seem to notice it more at the holidays for sure. 

I have felt exactly the way my friend feels at times and I often have sat and wondered why myself.  Sigh -- my Mom always told me that our "Creator" never gives us more then we can handle but sometimes I have to wonder.........

I lost my Daddy January 5--1986 and I had to fly home from Alberta Canada to be with my Mom --I was scheduled for surgery the morning of January 5th but I did not hesitate to book a flight instead. My parents meant so much to me and there was nothing could stop me from going when they needed me.

I had such guilt inside of me because I was supposed to be home for Christmas and did not make it and then Daddy was gone shortly after . I had no more holidays to share with him. This broke my heart. Not just because of no more shared holidays but because I felt if I had been there maybe there was something I could have done to help my parents.

I flew home to visit my Mom in early May of 1987 and told her that I planned on moving home by Christmas time. Well my Mom died August 15 --1987 - and again the guilt was horrible because she did not live to see me back home and have one more Christmas together -- Again there were no more shared holidays and again the guilt built up inside of me. 

I have carried that guilt for many years over both deaths and the holidays still pull at my insides -- 

By the time I moved back home to Ontario Canada both my parents were gone.

For many years I did not celebrate Christmas after my Mom died and did not even put up a tree -- I would book myself in to work instead so I had a reason for not visiting anyone or having anyone over for Christmas -- I hid within my work so I did not have to face the loss within my heart and soul. This way I was allowed to live in my guilt all by myself.

My youngest daughter was living with her father by this time and my eldest was married and had a baby of her own and a life to live and I felt they did not need to know the pain in my heart over the guilt I had built up because I felt I let my parents down and didn't come home when I should have to take care of them.

Instead of talking about it I wrapped it all up in a package and hid it in the corner recesses of my heart and it took me years to slowly start dealing with things. I still have tough times dealing with the guilt within me but slowly I am healing. This is not the only guilt I deal with from the shadows of my past but it is the main one at Christmas time for me.

It is only the last couple of years that I actually started wanting to do anything at Christmas and that is only because of my beautiful grandchildren and the people in my home that I take care of. 

I look around me and realize that so many people have so much more sadness and sorrow in their lives than I have and I feel guilty about that too.

I do not know why our "Creator" lets things happen but I do believe He has a reason for everything and I know that though we do not understand his reasons we all the same have to accept them and live with them. 

I have no regrets where my parents are concerned because they both died knowing how deeply I loved them. I always told them and let them know in every way that was possible for me and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they both loved me. 

Wait I do have one regret -- I was not here to take care of them -- instead I was a couple thousand miles away. Getting ready to come home -- but I came home too late.

The one thing I do know from this regret and guilt that I still carry --  is that we must seize the moment and do not put off til tomorrow what we promise to do today because tomorrow sometimes does not come. Embrace life and do not hesitate to do something that is important to you because the day may not come your way again to do it. Spend the time with those you love while you have the chance and do not put it off for any reason. Take the time to be there for those you love before they are not here for you to love.

This was hard for me to write but maybe it is a bit of healing for me ... our "Creator" provides different ways to heal as well. 

Until next time....thanks for listening 
hugs Misker