My daughter Voodtude and I went to visit my ex hubby on Thursday to deliver his computer to him. It was quite a day and no one can tell it like Voodie does. I must admit that she told the exact truth in her Musings.  LOL So here is our day... 

Ok so here's the scoop. On Thursday Mama and I set off early for a trip to visit a friend. We left early and were in no hurry to get there so we took our time and enjoyed some time alone. The drive there was uneventful and took only 2 hours. 

Our friend is in jail and so we entered the prison and I was taken aback when they drug tested us. They took this piece of material and rubbed it over our watches. Then they put it in this $60,000.00 (CAN funds) machine that told them we were indeed drug free. I was amazed at this little computer thing. They let us in and our visit began. It was a pleasant couple of hours and we enjoyed ourselves very much but at last it was time to be on our way. And the adventure begins... 

We left the prison to head home at 4 in the afternoon. Apparently we missed a sign for our cut off and headed somewhere unknown to us. We continued to drive convinced we were not lost cause after all I knew where mom was and she knew where I was so how could we be lost? 

We drove for about an hour and when we ended up in a town called Barrie when stopped to ask someone for help. First gas station we saw we pulled in and asked the guy there if he could tell us how to get to Peterborough. He said "Where's that, never heard of it?" Wonderful I think, we stop for help and meet someone who needs more help then we do...then mom asked how about Oshawa cause everyone in Ontario knows Oshawa so we thought anyway...he says, "I heard of that once." Ok bud we will just drive on until we meet someone who can think straight. 

We drive away not knowing we were less than 5 minutes from where we needed to be
turning for home. Instead we got the wrong directions and an hour later we stop again
knowing we are really lost now. We meet a gent who I swear only kept his pants on
'cause the dirt on them would not allow him out of them!  Mr. Hair to his arse and greasy as a sewer pipe was just as much help. He told us to follow the road we were on and eventually we would find something. No guff!  I held Mama back 'cause he had her fire lit and she wanted to take him home...we panted over his beauty and sexual exuberance NOT!!!!!!!!!!!  Away we went. Now two hours on the road and nope we were not lost we had each other and as long as I knew where she was and she where I was we had not been lost, just on a long scenic route. 

We got all excited when we saw another gas bar that looked like it might actually contain an intelligent species. We met a gent who was not so bad looking, but let me tell you he was thinking with his wrong end. He yanked out a map and he tried to tell us to go this way, then left there and then another left, then go there and so on...well buddy didn't know that my army cadets taught me to read a map so while Mama was all engrossed trying to remember his instructions I am looking at this map wondering why he had us headed to Timbucktwo when we live in buttfrignowhere. So we leave and I say to Mom, look he has us going another ten hours the wrong direction let me call Mike, he knows this area inside out. 

She calls John first and tells him we are in a place called Bradford and he thinks Bradford exchange, can you pick up my plate order?  He tells her "if you can get to Orillia you will be ok." Well Mama, I said if we could get to Orillia we wouldn't be lost and calling him! Now how is that for directions, if only you can find your way you will be ok...damn men anyways...duh bud if we could find my way we wouldn't phone you saying we am lost!! 

I call Mike and tell him we are in Bradford. He says oh poop! You have a long way to go...at least he told me where to go LOL...he says it's 'quite a ways' but follow the road you are on til you hit hwy 7, so I say thank you and please call my kids. 

We off set again on our long way. Mama notices at a red light that a trucker is enjoying the idea that her skirt has fallen open and he is seeing her legs. PIG!!!!!! So she does none other than hike her skirt and tell him, with the windows up, to enjoy the view. 

Well Mike's "quite a ways" turned out to be another 2 hours. He said take hwy 7 but as we hit the T in the road, where we only can choose left or right to enter hwy 7, I say ummmm Mom which way do we go ?? At last we choose right all the while trying to laugh our tired achy bodies back to normal or at least stable.  Well as you probably guessed right was NOT the right way. We then stopped and asked a WOMAN, yes you read right a WOMAN, and she gave us perfect directions that we hit the first try. At long last we are on Hwy 7 east headed home. 

I realized that we left our sanity in Barrie as we traveled on. On Hwy 7 Mom got excited and I thought uh oh here she goes. I thought we were traveling a little fast as I could barely make out the things we passed. They were blurs through my window. Was I with a gas pumping mama or what? I looked at her speedometer and she was doing 150 kms in an 80 zone so I asked her to slow down...she did...uh huh to 120 in a 60!  So I said, Mama how many points do you lose for doubling the speed limit? She said she didn't know, I said well slow that gas pumping foot down or you will soon find out. 

Next thing I know she slips into a gas station, it's been a long journey and we need to wee. Shouldn't be a mishap here right?  I come out of my stall to see her slip her pantyhose off and toss them into the garbage bin. She is tired of them. I say ok and off we go again. Ten minutes down the way she is sliding her shoes off and I am thinking, what now? She undoes her skirt lifts her arse and slides it off. All I see is this skirt fly into the back seat and her sitting there in her top and panties driving us to where I hope is home. Now I know I hit the loony bus cause this is nuts! She pulls over on the hwy and gets out saying, hand me the pants on the back seat. Welllll by God I reach behind me and find the pants only to see her get out and stand on the side of the highway and put them on! Then she gets back in as I am yelling MOTHER THERE ARE TWO MEN THERE WATCHING YOU FROM THEIR DRIVEWAY!!!!!!!!!! She honks and waves at them like nothing happened. Now I am sighing, praying for home. Suddenly I hear "I love you...you love me..."I told her that's it you pull over and get out
...I draw the line at Barney tunes!!!!!!!!!! 

She continues to sing as the sun fades away and she honks at every car, truck, person we pass and waves at them like they are old friends. Well hell if you can't beat them join them right...so I sing too. We remembered a verse of this and a verse of that. Someone had etch marks on the blackboard of their heart but it was ok 'cause we ran right into you don't bring me flowers anymore. Oh the oldies rang out through the car as we made new songs from the verses we knew and then we made up songs about the town names as we passed them. 

We had a Freightous in our Mephitous which got arthritis on Locust Hill in Scugog where they Frig like the dog cause they are with a log...you get the point. Between making up rude songs and singing, we were on our way and feeling a wee better now. We passed a town that had so few streets that they named the lane way of 10 feet length leading to the church doors, Ontario Hill. 

We got stuck behind a man who could not decide if he wanted to use his gas or brakes so we pulled ahead of him and yelled 'Brakes' as Mama slammed on hers and then Gas as Mama hit that peddle. For good measure Mama showed him Left Blinker and Right Blinker. I do not think he appreciated his gas/brake lesson at all. 

It was an adventure and it continued until we hit Peterborough at 10 PM, 6 hours later and not quite home but close.  We decide we will stop to buy some Kentucky Fried Chicken and piddle. Well in we go and Mom orders a bucket of chicken and heads to the potty so I step up and tell the woman I want a bucket of chicken too. She tells me they have no chicken now, they ran out. Well after 6 hours of stripping, Barney tunes and my gas pumping Mama (I love you) I am not in the mood to not have chicken! So I say to her, raising my voice to a high notch, "Isn't this a *&$#  chicken joint? What do you mean you have no #%#%#i chicken?" 

All I can see is Mama come through the bathroom door, look at me and then cross her legs, lean on the bathroom door and poof she is gone again. She laughed so hard at me being upset that she had to piddle again. Well when she recovered she came out to the counter and told the woman to give me the chicken and she would have some chicken strips IF they had any. She is still laughing and tells me if I could have seen my face I would have laughed too. 

The gal gets our food and I tell her I would like to order some salads. She says you want paper plates, not hearing me right...Voodie had it!!  I said "No I want some #^$#^ food to eat off them!!!!!!!!!"  Well I got my salads but when I went to pay I found out that Mama had already paid with her Visa while I was having my conversation with the gal.  Now the gal tells me it's $9. I say no, the bucket is almost $16 alone, she says oh you are paying for that, I charged her visa. SIGH!!!!!!!!! Ok so I hand mama a $20 for her visa and pay the remainder to the employee. Then...yeah there's a then can you believe it...I inform her we are heading to two TWO...different homes. She proceeds to put mama's order in my bags with mine.  Well as I make her repack the orders, Mama pipes up: I think we met every dippy person out there today! Oh that did it, the employee heard her and got it RIGHT!!!!!! We were finally out the door on our way again. Damn chicken place with no chicken anyways!! 

20 minutes later we were in our respective houses, on the phone trying to decide if we would make another journey again. We ended the night with, if I ever get lost again I want it to be with you. 

I am sure I missed recapping half our adventure but you get the point. Our 2 hour journey became a 6 hour adventure and at long last I still think that if I am to ever get lost again I want to be with Mama. She is a hoot as long as she forgets those dang Barney love songs. 

Hugs from a bewildered 
Voodie