I am having a rough day today  my heart is tight with emotions and every time I turn around I seem to be in tears. A year ago today my darling poodle Boo crossed over the rainbow bridge and it seems I see him everywhere I look today -- My heart hurts so much and I miss him so deeply -- I feel such a deep sense of loss as if it were yesterday. To me it is.

How do I stop loving my best friend in the world just because he is not here anymore ? How do I stop from seeing him everywhere I turn ?-- you would think after a year I would be handling this better -- but I am not -- I still cry myself to sleep many times. I still call my dear friend Donna in tears sometimes because I need her to tell me it is ok and he is at rest and in peace from his pain.

You would think that I would forget things - things like the cold March night he was born in my bed behind my knees -- things like how he couldn't go anywhere without a tennis ball in his mouth--how he used to try to talk to me around that ball and I would say "Boo don't talk with your mouth full it is rude"  and then howl with laughter at how he caulked his head to the left and looked up at me as if he understood. He would then drop his ball bark at me a bit and pick his ball up and trot off.

How do I forget the the times he would lick the tears off my face when I was sad or recovering from the loss of my parents or in pain from my accident or the tears I shed going through a divorce ? How do I forget all the times he would curl up beside me when we went to bed for the night ? All the times he would nudge me awake gently because he had to go outside ? How do I forget how good he felt in my arms when I hugged him ? How good he smelled after I had shampooed and brushed him ?

He would sit and look at me when I spoke like he understood every word I said and every emotion I was feeling. He was loyal as the day was long and he knew who he belonged to and who belonged to him. If I went out he would sit and wait patiently for me to return. He would not eat for anyone else and he did not want to go anywhere with anyone else if I were away from home. It got to the point I almost could not leave home overnight because it would upset him so much. 

How do I forget how gorgeous he looked laying across the back window of my car ? He would hop in the car and up into the back window and there he would lay everywhere we went that day. Stretched out like he owned the car. His ears were always perked and his eyes always alert looking at everything passing by. All I would have to say is "Boo want to go for a car ride ?" and he was up and waiting impatiently beside me to open the car door for him.

Boo was the one person that never let me down in the 12 years he was in my life. I could tell him anything and he would listen with his little head to the side and his eyes never leaving my face. He knew when to offer a lick to my face or my hand in comfort or understanding. 

If someone were to come to the house my lap is where he would sit until they left if he did not know the person. If someone came to close to me that he did not know he would sit up and growl in his throat in warning not to touch his Mommy.

I can see him before me as he wiggled in joy at seeing my daughters or my son-in-law. He absolutely adored them and they adored him. He knew that their laps were his for the entire time they were here if that is what he wanted. Yes Boo was an honoured part of our lives. But he was also a huge part of my heart that I still feel missing. 

I can close my eyes and see his wee head poking out from inside my brothers jacket when he was a few months old. My brother would put him inside his jacket and bring him to where I worked so we could see each other. Boo would be fussy or sad and my brother would know that all he needed was some time with me to make him happier. My boss pretended not to see him and turned his back for awhile so that I could cuddle my precious little ball of fur.

Boo was the perfect child for me -- he never messed in the house and he always behaved and in my eyes he could do no wrong. He was the perfect companion the perfect friend and my partner in my travels. He was born in Alberta Canada and drove across Canada with me. He traveled to the states with me. He went to visit my family and friends with me. No matter where I took him he was welcomed.

My Mom-in-law did not like dogs but she fell in love with Boo and would feed him his beloved cabbage rolls overtime she made them. When we lived with her  for a couple of months she baby-sat him when I went to work or to the store or away for a couple of days with my husband. Many times I would walk in on the two of them having a conversation with him looking up at her listening. His other baby-sitter was my friend Cathy who would take him outside for me and peek in on him if I was at work that day or if I had to go away for a day or two. She adored him as well and I swear they had a kissy face contest  going sometimes. 

When I took my aunt and uncle to live with me Boo seemed to know that they needed taken care of and he slid into the role easily. They would take him on walks or did he take them? Whichever -- I would watch as they walked down the street and Boo would give his little kick with his back leg as he walked happily along looking everywhere and stopping automatically at the corner, He would walk a little ahead of them so that he reached the corner first and would stop right in front of them and sit down. Somehow he knew that they were not to cross the street and he would turn and come back with them behind him.

Ah yes how do I forget all the beautiful memories I have of him ? I don't ! I do not want to ! Not ever ! 

I just hope in time the memories will be easier to remember and the tears will lessen and my heart won't hurt quite as much when he walks across my mind. 

I hope the day will come that when I turn and still see him in the yard or feel him as he brushes against me that instead of tears falling a smile will come to my face.

I hope the day will come when I do not feel guilty for sending him to the Rainbow bridge because I could no longer stand to see him in pain from the arthritis that wracked his wee body and from the blindness that filled his poor brown eyes so he bumped against everything and walked into walls and fences.

I know in my heart he is in a better place. I know he does not have pain there and I know that he is playing with his tennis ball and watching for me to come home to him because he is no longer blind. I know he knows how much he meant and still means to me. I know he knows I still love him.

But for now I am grieving as deeply as I did the last day I held him in my arms while the vet readied the needle to help him go to sleep in peace and comfort. I still see his beautiful big brown eyes as we spent our last few minutes together. I still feel him lick my face before he went to sleep for the last time.

Until next time
hugs Misker