For the last 5 days I have cried a river. I did not know there were that many tears inside a person. I said good-bye forever to my dearest friend in the entire world on Thursday afternoon. 

My poodle  "Patsy's Peek-A-Boo"  -- Boo --  was born in my bed on March 25th 1989. On Thursday afternoon July 20th 2000 I held him in my arms as he quietly and with great dignity went to sleep for the very last time.

My Boo had grown totally blind and had palsy and arthritis in his right hip. He bumped into everything including me. He fell upstairs and downstairs if I was not there to carry him.  Many times as he walked toward me his poor old legs would fail him and he would crumple to the floor with no warning. He also had convulsions often over the last few months. Now he knows no more hardship.

My hand was the first to touch him and the last to touch him and I would not of had it any other way. He was my dearest companion in my life and we shared tears and laughter together that no one else would even understand. He licked my tears away when I was hurting and he licked my face when I was laughing. When I spoke to him he would cock his little head to the side and look me directly in the eye and somehow I knew he always understood every word I said. 

His greatest love in life next to me was a tennis ball. He seemed to be born with one in his mouth and even on the last day of his life he and I played out in the back yard with his ball. He found it more by sound and my verbal direction then anything else. I would tell him to go left or go right and he would listen and do it until he found that ball and he would bring it to me as I slapped my thigh so he could follow the sound to me.

Boo and I shared such a special bond and I loved him with every breath in my body and every beat of my heart. He was like my child and I treated him very well. If I ate steak so did my Boo. There was nothing to good for my Boo. We never slept apart other then when I absolutely could not be home, which was not very often in his lifetime. Now I go to bed and reach to stroke his old head and he is not there. I know in time I will sleep again and not reach out for him but it will be awhile.

I managed to get through today with only a few tears and I know that a superficial band aid has started to cover the hole in my heart, but it will be transparent for a very long time. I keep feeling his warm body in my arms as he slipped gracefully into his final sleep. I have second guessed myself to death but in the end I know in my heart that I did what was best for him. Maybe not for me but for him and that is what is most important.

I know he is waiting for me to come to him one day at the gates of the "Rainbow Bridge". He plays there now with his brother Misker my darling old spaniel that left us nearly 2 1/2 years ago. They watch the butterflies go by and they chase the tennis ball as they frolic in the meadows full of flowers and sunshine. As they drink from the cool waters of the river they are happy and without pain.

Somehow this brings me some sort of peace within my heart. I caught myself laughing today for the first time in 5 days. I kind of felt guilty but then I thought of my Boo and how he would cock his head sideways when I laughed and look up at me and then jump up on my lap and lick me all over my face. Even blind he always found my lap and always kept that old tongue licking my freckles. As this thought crossed my mind I caught myself smiling at the beautiful memory of him loving me.

So the tears I shed now are not because he is in pain but because I am. My heart hurts.

until next time
Misker  -- July 24-2000