My sister Margaret passed into God's hands on Sunday May 21st.  As I went through the next 3 days I finally got answers to my confusion on how I should feel. I finally figured out why my tears were falling, how I was supposed to feel and why.

When I arrived in Guelph I went to my room at the motel and then to the funeral home. No one else was there yet so I went in the room where my sister was and sat there for nearly 45 minutes. While there a million things went through my head. 

Believe it or not I had conversations with myself in my mind. You will not understand this or maybe you will. I understand it and that is important to me. I spoke out loud to my sister and told her of all the things in my heart and the tears fell, but since we were alone in that room it was ok.

Over the next couple of days I listened quietly as people spoke and told me how highly she talked of me to them. "Her sister this and her sister that."  I learned that I was  pretty, smart, doing well, a great person, a good sister, she loved me, she was proud of me, she missed me, They told me of how she talked of all the times I had put pin curls in her hair for her and of all the times I had dyed it for her and of how much she cared for me and they told me much more. As I listened to everyone my mind was screaming to me , "why the hell did she not tell all of this to me"!!  I waited all those years and never heard any of those things.

The more I listened the more I felt the "dawning of understanding" inside me grow and I finally understood all those years that breached between us were because she did not know how to say all those things to me. Also in feeling hurt because of the things that had happened in the past between us I had helped build a bridge from one side and she had helped build it from the other and for some reason it never met in the middle.

By the time she was feeling all those things for me the bridge was too long to walk back. I moved away and that did not help us get any closer either. I went on with my life and excluded her other than letters here and there and a phone call now and then and cards on her birthday and the odd gift. Both of us had our health deteriorat and that made it hard to travel to see each other even if we wanted to. I saw her about 3 years ago when she came to my house for a BBQ that I threw and that was the last time except for a few brief minutes once when I was in the city she lived in.

Three days before she died she told me she was sorry--I asked her for what but she did not say because she was weak and needed to hang up the phone to sleep. Two days before she died she told me she loved me before we hung up and I told her I loved her. I never got to speak to her again.

As I went through the funeral and stood as they laid her to rest my heart finally felt a little lighter because I finally understood things. My tears did not flow that day because my heart had finally settled.

Folks don't let years pass between you and family or friends without telling them how you feel about them. The day could come when it is too late to say these things. Don't let the past prevent a present relationship with a family member or a good friend. Tomorrow could be the day it is too late to say "I'm sorry" or "I love you"

until next time 
hugs
Misker 
June 7th-2000