I am writing with a heavy heart today. My thoughts are a little confused on this misty, rainy overcast day.

If you have been following my site you will already know that I was adopted at 9 months old into a family where there was already one boy and one girl. I grew up with Margaret being my sister my entire life and with John being my brother.(A brother that I have always adored and loved ) I knew no different until sometime in my teens. I did not meet any of my biological siblings until in my 20's.

Anyway last night at midnight I received a phone call from my niece Myrna who is Margaret's daughter. Margaret has been very ill the last year or so. She has had internal bleeding and they cannot find the source. Also, she has sclerosis of the liver and she is a diabetic. Margaret has been on many types of medication in her life (all her life) and at one time was taking 22 different pills a day for years.

My niece informed me last night that Margaret only has a very short time to live as her liver function is now gone and the internal bleeding has intensified. Nothing can be done any more. 

Although I grew up with Margaret as my sister I am having a combat of feelings and that bothers me a lot. I am a Christian and I know that forgiveness of others is a very important thing. I also know that only "God" can and will judge each of us in the end.

You see Margaret was very cruel to me growing up and in adult life. She was cruel to others around her as well and she brought hurt to many people with her actions and her acid tongue. She spoke cruel words against our Mom and Dad and she used them many times for her own benefit. She was very deceitful in many ways to many people.

Margaret tried to stab me when I was 16 and she was 27. I will never forget that night with her temper and her chasing me around the yard with a butcher knife over something she in her own mind believed I had done. If it was not for my Dad arriving in the driveway at the exact time she was trying to catch me I do not know what would have happened. She learned from him that she was wrong in blaming me for what she had thought and she never even told me she was sorry.

Margaret threw in my face a million times how I was not really part of the family because I came from trash. She never failed to remind me that I should stand behind not with everyone else. She told me terrible things about our Mom when she was mad at her. Things to this day I know are not true. She treated our Dad like garbage whenever she could. 

There are many things I could say but will refrain from doing so here. There are many years of hurt in my life caused by her that I will not speak of here as well. There are many things I know she is guilty of that I would never speak of here.

So today my feelings are so confused. Because she is my sister I am supposed to love her and I know that. My heart hurts for her for being in so much pain and distress healthwise. I would never wish her ill will. Yet down deep inside my heart and soul I am struggling with how I am supposed to feel right now.

How am I supposed to feel about someone who wanted me dead, lied over and over about me through life, expressed complete and total jealousy of me for being adopted by her biological Mother, stole from me, abused her children when they were young verbally and physically. Someone who has been self-centered her entire life among other things. I cannot reach inside of myself and remember very many times when there was much joy between us. Those times were few and sometimes far between.

Am I in tears because of her pain? - because of the loss of the chance to be real sisters? - because she never said she was sorry for anything she ever did to anyone?- because I am sorry to lose her? -because of my deep love for her children, my nephews and my niece and for what they must soon go through in losing their mother? -because the doctors have admitted there is nothing more they can do to help her? -because even though there were times she did say I love you I know that it was because whatever I was doing benefited her in some way and by tomorrow she would say she couldn't stand me?

I swore to my Mother before she died that I would never do anything to purposely cause Margaret any upset in her life and I have kept that promise. I have never forgotten a special holiday and I have never forgotten to tell her I love her. I have never forgotten to call her on her birthday or at Christmas. I have always welcomed her into my home over the years.

Why are my tears falling today? I don't really know. I would like to hope it is because in my heart I do love her as my sister and for that reason I am sorry that I am going to lose her. I have always held some hope that the day would come when we could truly be sisters in all the right ways.

Sometimes reflections in life bring more hurt then happiness. With that I will leave you for today............

May 11, 2000