I have been sitting outside in the mornings on my deck at my patio table while I watch my dogs playing in the yard. As I sit, I tend to reflect on my life a lot and where I have been and where I am now. 

I was born April 21,1952 to a lady who was basically  from what back then would be considered the wrong side of the tracks. (she herself had been born into a poverty stricken family) Her life was one of abuse, physically, emotionally and sexually. She knew little of mothering and cuddling and emotional bonding with her children. I was one of 18 children. All of us with the same mother but different fathers.

I will not discuss my biological mother's life as it is to personal and belongs to her and since she is no longer alive to defend herself or her actions it would be unfair of me, but I can discuss some of my life as it is mine to share if I wish. 

At 9 months old I was given to a lady she baby-sat for as the lady wanted me for her own and the CAS was taking all my biological mother's children away. There were 6 other children born after I was no longer with her. At the time she gave me away there were only 3 of us in her home as the older children had been already taken from her and in a couple cases were deceased.

Anyway I grew up with a wonderful lady that I believed was my "only" mother until I learned differently at age 14. She raised me by herself until I was 4 and she met the only daddy I ever knew. They married when I was 12 and together raised me.(I did meet my biological father when I was 23 and I met my biological mother when I was 19) (My adopted brother and sister were much older then I was so had already left home by the time my parents were married)

Growing up was not an easy task as my parents were in their early 50's when my mom took me in to raise. She had 2 children of her own and did her best to raise us in what she felt was the "right" way. I was raised very old-fashioned compared to other kids my age. I was not allowed to do the things the other kids my age were allowed to do and therefore grew up backward compared to most my age.

While other kids my age were out having fun and growing up in a busy world, I was raised to do chores and 
live a disciplined life. The discipline of those years would of been considered child abuse in this day and age. However, I do not hold my parents in any less regard because of it. They did what they felt was right and proper. They believed in the bible quote of "spare the rod, spoil the child". However they were a little harsh in the opinion of today's world and today's laws.

I grew up in a little house that would fit inside the home I live in today with tons of space left over. There was only 1 bedroom and I slept on a cot in the living room, which I folded up during the day and put into a closet.  I worked for farmers starting at 10 years old during baling time. I worked alongside my parents picking rocks and weeding gardens and chopping wood. Tough work for a little girl but it taught thankfulness for what I had.

We had an outhouse and an outside pump for water. When I was nearly 17 my parents got running water in the kitchen finally and we no longer had to tote water into the house from the well and heat it ontop of the wood stove. We never had an automatic washer and dryer and we never had an inside washroom in all the years I lived at home. We never had a shower in the house. We bathed in a galvanized tub which we filled with hot water that we heated on top of the wood stove until the running water came in then we filled buckets and filled the tub. My parents had a shower put in finally years after I left home. (I left home at 17)

I often wonder what my folks would do today if they were here in my home with all the luxuries I have. I think they would feel like they lived I a castle. How I wish they were alive so I could have them here and take care of them and give them an easier life then they had. My dad would probably get lost since I have 4 bathrooms here and 4 huge bedrooms and 9 other rooms. My mom would be delighted with all the space.

As I sit and reflect on my life I realize how lucky I am and how grateful I am for what I have. After I left home at 17, my life went through many different stages and changes. I made a lot of mistakes and I learned a lot of things the hard way. I never truly felt safe and secure and in charge of my own life until the end of 1989 when I returned to Ontario after my first grandchild was born. Then I finally took hold of myself and my life and planted my feet firmly in the ground. I began to take life as a very serious matter and live accordingly. I have never been sorry for returning to my home province and starting over one more time to get my life together and in place where I wanted it to be. (I believe that everyone finds themselves at different ages. I was just older then most people I knew when I realized that my life needed stability and I needed to make some major changes in myself and my priorities in life.)

The birth of my oldest granddaughter, Shantel, in Feb. of 1989, made me realize how much I had to live for and strive for. In Dec. of 1989 I returned home to Ontario after nearly 10 years in Alberta. Ten long and lonely years of trying to find myself and going from abusive relationships to the point of wishing I was dead so many times that on the evening before Shantel's birth I had planned a definite way of taking my own life. I have thanked "God" so many times since the phone call telling me she was born for not letting me do something so foolish and wasteful. This is why I credit Shantel for saving my life.

I prayed long and hard the day Shantel was born and I asked for the ability to see within myself. I searched my heart and my soul and made the changes that were necessary for my own life and my own self worth. I learned to respect myself and I learned to believe in myself and what I could do. I learned to put to use the abilities I had within myself and I have been amazed since with every step I have taken forward in my life. I try every day now to do the best I can do and to treat everyone with the respect that they deserve.  I was so pleased when one day in the early 90's my son-in-law Mike said to me, "Mom you have come so far and have done so good and I am proud of  you." It is such a wonderful feeling when you know your children can see that you have done something with your life that improves you.  His words made me more determined then ever to continue to improve my self.

Now 10 years later I can finally look in the mirror and see someone I can be proud of and like and respect. I think that maybe the things I went through in life were put before me to make me a stronger person. If I could I would change a lot of things I did in my past but I would not change the fact that I learned a lot of what "NOT" to do for the rest of my life.

The reason for me letting you in on some of my life and how I lived it is a simple one. I truly believe that anyone, no matter who you are or what you have done, is capable of changing their lifestyle and how they look at life. I proved to myself that I could. I know I still do not have all the answers but I also know I have found the answers to what is best for me and my life. Each of us has the ability to turn our lives around if it is truly what we want from within our hearts and souls. We all must do it in our own way and with the path we choose to follow.